Lisaminoletti91, 35

I want to find a man who will love me the same way I love you.
Im currently married 3 years now. Ive tried so hard to stay with him. But I cant take the narcissistic mental and physical abuse anymore. I dont deserve this kind of "love". I pour into him and he doesn't return it. Yeah first year was okay but we faught alot. I was always left feeling like I was the problem. He always takes his temper out on me. With words or throwing stuff. I dont do any of that crazy stuff. I always try to calmly talk things out and he literally as a force recon Marine gets pissed starts throwing stuff or talking down on me. Like I have dozens of recordings of us. Im thinking it's me but everyone who is ever around me knows I'm sweet, loving, caring. I literally will let people walk over me. I thought I could stay and love him the way he deserves but not at the cost of my mental health. So though I am married right now I'm looking to separate from him. The thkught tears me apart. But i literally cant take the abuse. If i thought for a second the type of person i am that i deserved it i would stay.
I get along with literally anyone. Loud or rude or even mean people. I'm very shy type of person. I'm respectful. I'm giving, and yes im loyal to the T. I was married prior to him. Married at 19 years old he was 52 years old and we were married for 13 years. Mostly lived in a semi truck. We finally saved up until we got an ari truck. And he got stage 4 tongue and throat cancer. I stood by his side took care of him and had to watch him die. I wish that on noone. We faught maybe 5 times in 13 years. He was a country man. Chilled relaxed laid back and loving and faithful. Yeah he would take others who got him mad and take that out on me but for only a handful of fights in 13 years that's great. I would still be with him if he didn't get cancer. Than after I lost him. I only had my aunty who lived in California to talk to. She passed this march of this year. No family. No